#364: Reclaiming Personal Power

Read this episode: Reclaiming Personal Power

 Hello, my friend, how are you doing today? So a funny story that relates directly to (0:37) this podcast episode today about personal power. It's just such a perfect example. (0:42) And when I talk about personal power, which I'm going to define shortly, it really relates to (0:49) everything that you decide to do in your life.

And in your practice, it relates to (0:55) how you go through your day that the decisions that you make and follow through on. (1:01) I get so many questions about how do you just do what you're going to do? (1:06) How do you put it on your calendar? And you promise yourself that you're going to do it. (1:09) And then you do it.

And I will tell you exactly how I do it, because I will share with you a (1:16) story that happened just before I hit record on this podcast. There were multiple things that (1:21) happened that I could have said, no, I'm not going to record my podcast today. We're going to figure (1:27) something else out.

We're going to put up another best of episode. We're going to do something else. (1:32) But I really wanted to talk about this, this topic of personal power.

I have my outline, (1:38) all that good stuff. And what happened was, is I got off a call with a client pretty much (1:45) immediately after that call, my dog started having a seizure and my, you know, first reaction obviously (1:53) is to help him and, you know, clean up after him and feed him and make sure that he's okay. (1:57) He's fine.

He's doing well. But also what happened was, is that dinner was made. (2:05) I could be eating dinner right now.

I could be relaxing on the couch, you know, having a meal, (2:11) watching television. I could be, you know, doing all of those things that are just like, okay, (2:16) end of day, whatever. We're just going to write it off.

I'll do the podcast some other time (2:20) tomorrow. I'll put up a best of episode. I could have had all of these excuses for me to not record (2:27) this episode today, but I decided that I was going to do it.

Even while I was hitting record, (2:34) I had a couple of bumps in the road. One, I started and it didn't record. I had a couple (2:39) intros that weren't quite the way that I wanted them to be.

So I needed to start over. And these (2:45) kinds of things can derail someone who is not focused on what they want, decisive in what they (2:52) want. So maybe for you, it's not necessarily recording a podcast episode, but it's going to (2:59) the gym.

It's making sure you get an assignment done. It's ensuring that you make that dinner date (3:06) that you had planned with your spouse later in the week. There's so many things that can get in (3:10) the way between you actually doing what you're doing after you've made the decision to do it, (3:15) but what allows you to follow through on those decisions, even when there's an easier path, (3:24) right, a easier path that lets you just relax and do whatever you want that you promised yourself, (3:29) you were going to do the thing that was going to really help you further your goals in your (3:37) relationship, in your physical wellbeing, in your business.

Well, it's personal power. (3:41) And that personal power is developed over time. I talk about it all the time, but not necessarily (3:47) in those words.

And it really comes down to being aware of yourself, knowing yourself, (3:57) knowing what you're thinking, knowing what you're feeling. So I'm going to walk you through (4:03) what I noticed when my brain wanted to start telling me, you know what, just don't do the (4:07) podcast right now, put it off, do it later tonight, which if I tell myself later tonight, (4:11) I'm going to say, no, I don't want to do it tonight. I want to do it tomorrow morning.

(4:14) Oh, maybe I'll just do a best of episode and so on. But I didn't do that. This is what I did.

(4:20) Instead. I paused when I noticed the thought that I didn't really want to do the podcast right now. (4:27) And I questioned it because I actually did want to do the podcast.

And the reason I knew that (4:33) is because in my body, I felt tension. I felt tension. And I asked myself, well, why do you (4:38) feel tension right now? It's because I don't want to be eating dinner right now.

I don't necessarily (4:43) feel like I'm in the best mental space to do a podcast. So I need a break, which I've taken. (4:48) And I went outside and I gave myself some fresh air and I walked barefoot in the grass, (4:53) reconnected with myself, those kinds of things, which I feel so very fortunate to be able to do.

(4:59) And once I had the ability to regroup, then I could come here and sit down and be mentally (5:05) prepared to talk about what I wanted to talk about today. Because when we just kind of go (5:13) with what our brain tells us, we aren't in our personal power. We aren't directing our brain (5:20) consciously.

We aren't telling ourselves what to do, which is part of what so many lawyers (5:29) feel and senses frustration is because they have these desires to do a particular task, (5:37) go to the gym, finish up a project, do whatever it is that they've promised themselves that they (5:42) would do. And then they don't do it. And when they don't do it, they feel really disappointed (5:47) in themselves.

Maybe they feel defeated. And I don't want you to experience that. (5:56) And I could tell because I've been doing this long enough that as soon as I said, you know what, (6:00) I don't know if I want to do the podcast right now.

I'm just, I'm just so emotionally drained (6:05) right now because you know, watching Frankie and cleaning up. And that as soon as that thought came, (6:11) I could predict that I would feel disappointed if I didn't sit down and do the podcast. (6:17) And that's what told me, look, I need to intentionally direct myself and direct my life (6:22) so that I can do this podcast right now.

And so for me, that was a series of decisions in the moment (6:28) that meant saying no to dinner right away. That meant to asking for what I needed from my mom, (6:36) who's in the house right now, it came from going outside and reconnecting with myself, (6:40) taking some deep breaths, really, you know, listening to the wind and all of that. (6:46) And that might sound hokey to some people, but to me, that reconnection with nature, (6:51) that's what it's all about.

And I want to talk to you more about that today in this episode as well. (6:58) So that is how I direct myself to do the things that part of my brain tells me I don't want to (7:07) do. And yet there's another part of my brain that says, yes, you do want to do it, do it, (7:14) make it happen.

That is how I direct my brain. And that all comes from personal power. And that is (7:20) something that I have been reclaiming for myself over the years.

This was not something that (7:26) happened overnight. So I want to suggest to you, if this is the first time, maybe you're hearing (7:32) of this concept that this is going to take some doing, I'm still reclaiming personal power. (7:38) There is so much to this.

You will never go far enough down the rabbit hole to really get to the (7:47) bottom of it. But what you want is the ability to tell yourself what to do, to direct yourself (7:55) intentionally. And personal power is required to do this.

So where does this term come from? (8:04) It's been used a lot recently, but the first time I heard of it was within some books that I read (8:12) and from someone that I followed, Jim Forton. So the books that I'm referring to are written (8:20) by Carlos Castaneda and Carlos Castaneda was a writer in the sixties and seventies. And in the (8:27) seventies, he wrote several books about Don Juan.

And the first four books of that Don Juan series (8:35) were actually based on ghost written a life of a real life person. And his name is Don Javier. (8:44) And I am very fortunate to get to work with Don Javier.

Don Javier is a shaman. He is someone who (8:53) is very connected with nature. He's very powerful.

He's very (9:00) connected in ways that I didn't know a person or a being could be. (9:05) And I'm very fortunate that I get to work with him and that I've been learning this concept (9:09) of personal power through him. And if you ever want to read the books, I highly recommend the (9:14) first four, but the ones after that are not ghostwriting Don Javier's life.

So if that's (9:22) something that interests you, that's something that you can look into. So how do we lose personal (9:27) power in the first place, right? If we're reclaiming personal power, it means that we've (9:31) lost it somewhere along the way. That personal power is actually something we give away, (9:38) usually pretty young because we have all of these societal influences.

(9:44) Our parents, our schooling, it could be the legal profession, right? We have magazine covers, (9:52) right? If you're a woman, you know, that there are magazine covers when you're walking up to (9:56) the grocery stand, telling you that you should weigh 120 pounds and you should, you know, eat (10:03) these certain foods and you should look this certain way. And if you don't look this particular (10:08) way, then there's something wrong with you. So we get all of this societal messaging that comes (10:14) from different arenas in our life.

And when we're young, we often just say, Oh, okay. I guess that's (10:22) just the way it is. I need to say yes.

When my parents tell me to do something and I need to (10:28) do what my, my teacher tells me to do, and I need to do what the government tells me to do. (10:33) And then I'm going to be happy and I'm going to be successful. And (10:36) all the things are going to line up.

That is definitely how I lived my life for a very long (10:42) time. I was very trusting. I believed that, you know, I was just going to have, you know, (10:48) work really hard.

I was going to work day and night and I was going to prove myself and prove (10:54) my worth. And I was going to get paid a lot of money and then I would be fine. I'd be taken care (10:58) But in the process of doing that, I also gave away a lot of my personal power.

(11:06) And so then I was always looking to others to make decisions for me. I was looking to others (11:12) to tell me like, Oh my gosh, tell me what I'm supposed to do. Give me a workout plan.

(11:17) Tell me how I'm supposed to be using my time. And I see this so often with lawyers who tell me like, (11:21) Oh, I wish I just had an assistant who would just tell me what to do all the time. And then (11:24) wouldn't even have to think about it.

Delegating all of their personal responsibility, all of their (11:29) personal power to somebody else. And it sounds really nice. It sounds really pretty.

But the (11:36) truth is, is that if we are giving away our personal power, then we are not taking full (11:42) responsibility of our lives. If you are in a law practice where you want to build your business, (11:50) but you're telling yourself, I don't have time. I don't have energy.

I don't know how (11:55) then you're giving your power away because you're not finding solutions. (11:59) So few people actually come to this realization that they need to be the ones who become the (12:05) problem solvers in their practice. And you know, I've time piece for lawyers is open right now for (12:11) enrollment.

And that's a lot of what I work on with the lawyers who are in there is really reclaiming (12:18) their ability to say, this is what I want. I'm deciding that this is what I am doing. (12:23) Here's how I'm going to do it.

And I am going to make it happen. Becoming that kind of decisive (12:28) person who has that personal power, the person who can create boundaries and stick to them, (12:36) but not be angry at the person. If they break a boundary, it's up to the person who is creating (12:42) the boundary to enforce it, doing it out of compassion and kindness and not out of anger (12:49) and frustration.

And that is really what personal power is. It's not about forcing. It's not about (12:59) pushing.

It's not about pulling. It's about being in balance and in harmony within yourself. (13:05) It's really interesting because when I think of it that way, (13:10) what's required to reclaim personal power is to become in harmony within yourself.

It's to (13:17) understand yourself on a deeper level, on a level, maybe that you're not even familiar with. (13:24) How do you think, how do you feel? What do you need? What do you want? And very few lawyers who (13:33) initially come to me know the answers to those questions. And so I'm helping them reconnect with (13:40) those aspects of themselves that maybe have been forgotten because at some point in your life, (13:45) you had desires, you had wants, you knew what you wanted.

And then when you started to get into this (13:54) societal influence, when you started to be boxed in by the legal profession, by observing what was (14:00) going on with other lawyers, seeing how other lawyers were, seeing what other lawyers thought (14:06) was successful. Then we began shaping ourselves to emulate that. I had so many lawyers in my office (14:14) when I was coming up, staying till all hours.

I really thought, wow, you must really be committed (14:21) and really love your work. And in order to stay till nine o'clock at night and not go home to (14:26) your family, I thought, wow, she's really committed. And that's what it means to be (14:31) successful.

That's what it means to be a good lawyer. But that was not the definition of success (14:37) that I wanted to emulate. I just didn't know it.

That was just what I saw around me. And I started (14:42) to filter everything I did and everything that I became through this lens of, well, what are other (14:49) people going to think of me? What are other lawyers in the office going to think about me if I leave (14:54) at four o'clock to go to yoga at four 30? Are they going to think I'm not committed that I'm lazy, (15:01) that I'm not a hard worker, all things that I really, I either identified with being a really (15:07) hard worker, or I pushed away this identity of seeming lazy, seeming like I wasn't committed. (15:15) And if I were in balance at that time, what other people thought wouldn't matter to me, (15:20) but I was not in balance.

And I see where I'm not in balance even now, where I might think, (15:27) oh my gosh, like, what are people going to think if I share this story? What are people going to (15:31) think if I bring this to the table? And then when I feel that hesitancy, when I feel that fear, (15:38) I know I'm out of balance. And then I need to come back into my center and say, what do I want? (15:45) How do I want to approach this? What is the decision I want to make and how will I make it (15:50) happen? But so few of us really tap into that because we are so at the mercy or believe we're (15:57) at the mercy of the work. And when lawyers come into time piece, really they're coming in at the (16:03) mercy of the work and that's exactly where you're supposed to come in.

Or if maybe you've gone (16:09) through time piece once or twice before, you are now making some tweaks. You're recognizing, (16:14) ah, yes, I want to make these tweaks. I see progress here.

I want to keep going. Give me more. (16:21) For those of you who have not been in time piece before, I want you to come into time piece (16:27) with the invitation to take yourself to a whole new level, to connect with yourself at a whole (16:37) new level, to feel into your feelings and not just analyze them, right? Because this is something (16:46) that comes up time and again, which is because we are so used to thinking about our work, (16:54) thinking about, are we using the correct law? What's the strategy behind what we're doing? (17:02) We have become.

Disattached unattached from our feelings, from what we feel day to day. (17:12) So remember at the beginning of this episode, I shared with you that as soon as I noticed the (17:17) thought that I didn't want to record the podcast today, I paused because I actually knew that was (17:24) a lie. I had actually put on my calendar that I was going to record my podcast at that time.

(17:30) And if I didn't do it, I knew in that moment, I would feel really disappointed because I still (17:35) have to do some work. I still got to get a podcast done, whether it's this or a best of, (17:42) and I wasn't about to disappoint myself. I wanted to be in alignment with who I wanted to be.

(17:48) And that meant I needed to take a moment, but if you're in a rush, rushing from place to place, (17:55) from appearance to appearance, from work item to work item, you will not have the space to make (18:04) those, those just notice what's happening, question what's happening, and then make decisions that are (18:11) in your best interest. It was actually on a call with a client right before this podcast, (18:16) which was so funny because it's right on point, which was my client wanted to go to the gym, (18:22) but it was very clear to me that they didn't want to go to the gym. (18:26) They said they did, but they didn't because they weren't putting it on their calendar.

(18:29) They weren't committing to it. And even just the act of committing to it is enough to give you the (18:35) awareness when you're not going to do it, right? You're watching your brain say, no, no, no, (18:41) I don't want to go. I don't want to go.

You're watching your brain fight you to actually get (18:44) to the gym. Then you actually get that moment where you can say, whoa, wait a minute. This is (18:51) the place where I get to make a decision.

I get to decide, do I want to not go to the gym and feel bad (19:00) about myself afterwards? Or do I just want to make it happen? And if I just want to make it happen, (19:06) how do I make it happen? Not just, you know, it's not going to happen or I can't figure it out. (19:12) It's like, how do I make it happen? What favor do I have to call in? Who do I have to ask help from? (19:18) You know, what do I need to prepare right now just to get myself out the door? (19:23) And yes, it takes practice. I did not just become this person who did the things that I said I was (19:31) going to do on my calendar.

It took practice. It took me being willing to be kind to myself when (19:38) I didn't do the thing that was on my calendar. It took me being willing to fail and say, look, (19:44) I'm not going to make that failure mean anything about me.

It's not going to mean anything about (19:48) my ability to be successful. It's not going to mean anything about my ability to help people. (19:56) So I want you to just think about this, this reclamation of personal power in terms of (20:03) this connection with yourself and working with a shaman has been a totally new level of me getting (20:13) to reconnect with myself.

And it allows me o quiet myself in a way that I never experienced (20:24) before. And you can do it too, even if you're not working with a shaman, right? So I also want to (20:31) just mention there is a shaman named Don Javier on YouTube. That's not him.

My shaman does not (20:37) have an online presence. So I just want to let you know that if you go Googling that you're not (20:42) going to find him on the Googles. So when you begin to clean up your mind, you begin to be able to (20:55) clean up how you use your time and cleaning up your mind is mindset.

And it's also beginning to (21:06) quiet the mind. It's beginning to become more present. And one of the things that I experienced (21:14) myself and I see, Oh, 99% of the lawyers I work with, maybe a hundred percent of the lawyers that (21:21) I work with start out as not being able to be quiet within themselves, not to be able to slow (21:31) down enough internally to notice the thoughts and then to ask themselves, how do they feel? (21:38) Because they're so busy rushing from appointment to appointment from case to case that they have (21:46) totally missed that connection point within themselves.

This is not your fault. If you're (21:54) resonating with this and you're like, why, why am I disconnected? Why, why can't I just get myself (21:59) to be quiet within myself? I noticed this about myself that I'm always in a hurry. I'm always (22:04) busy.

Why can't I just do it? No, that it's not your fault that you haven't been given the tools (22:10) to do this, that you've had a society that basically varnishes. Is that the right word? (22:18) That basically puts people on a pedestal who are quote, always busy, who are working hard, (22:26) whatever that means and are killing themselves. And on the outside, they look like they have it (22:34) all together.

They've got the Land Rover. They've got the nice home. They've got the 2.5 kids and (22:39) the 2.5 dogs, right? They go to all the family gatherings.

They go to all the holiday events. (22:46) They seem like they're very put together, but inside. And I know this because I was this person (22:52) and I talked to so many lawyers who was, who are these people too inside, they feel disconnected (23:00) inside.

They feel like there's something missing and they can't understand what it is. (23:05) So part of the reason I wanted to bring this topic to the podcast is because inside (23:10) timepiece for lawyers, we're really doing the work of reconnecting you. We're really doing the work (23:16) of bringing you back to yourself of helping you reclaim this personal power that it's been (23:25) diminished over the years for no fault of your own.

It simply has been something that has diminished (23:34) because of the societal influences. And those societal influences are powerful. It's so (23:43) difficult to notice when they are having an impact on you, unless you have somebody who's actually (23:49) saying like, I am right here.

Like, what are those influences of your religion? The influences of (23:55) your parents, the influences of your workspaces. I was talking to a lawyer today who just noticed (24:00) for the first time that one of the things that she was mimicking in her business was something (24:08) that she saw in big law. When she was working for a firm, she brought it into her own firm, (24:14) which is if your desk is messy, that means you have work and that you're doing a good job.

(24:20) And if your desk is clean, then that must mean you're not doing work and that you are probably (24:27) on your way out of the office. It's a really fascinating observation, right? Because there (24:33) is absolutely no connection between being neat and having work. You can be neat and have work, (24:44) but her brain associated this in big law that in that atmosphere, when lawyers saw a messy desk, (24:54) they would say, Oh, they must be working hard.

And she absorbed that. And then she gave away (25:00) her personal power and said, well, I guess I can't have a clean desk, or that means I'm not (25:07) working hard. I don't have work.

She didn't say that verbally, right? That wasn't a conscious (25:13) thought, but subconsciously that's exactly what's happening. And it reflected itself onto her, (25:19) her workspace. So that is what happens when we don't have somebody to help us reconnect.

(25:28) And I have multiple people who've been helping me over the years, reconnect with myself, (25:33) reclaim my personal power, understand how to talk to myself, understand how to notice (25:42) that internal battle, pause with that internal battle, and then direct myself to do what I said (25:49) I wanted to do. And that's really what I see one huge benefit of personal power as being, (25:55) is being able to direct myself to do what I said I was going to do. And this is something that every (26:03) single one of us can do.

Every single one of us. Another place where I see this come up, this, (26:12) this lack of personal power is in the fears that come up when we're being referred to as (26:20) the boss. And I've had this come up recently in several calls, which is why I wanted to bring this (26:25) up because I have many lawyers who run their own practices.

They have boutique law firms, or (26:31) they're in a position of authority, right? They're a partner. They, you know, they, (26:37) they have authority over other people, but in our society, there has been very much this push (26:48) against having authority, right? Being somebody who is quote unquote, the boss. And you hear a (26:55) lot of female empowerment now saying like, oh, girl boss, this girl boss, that all, all of that, (27:00) right? There's this kind of female empowerment around it, but truly there are a lot of people, (27:07) both men and women who do not like being called the boss in their firm because they have (27:12) associations with it being authoritarian because they have had experiences with their bosses in (27:19) the past that were not, they didn't feel good to them.

They felt like they were being bossed around (27:26) right. Or for instance, I have another client who says, well, when she hears, you know, (27:31) I'm the boss, she actually hears I'm bossy. That's what she internalizes.

And so she doesn't want to (27:38) be the person who is bossy, but those are different things. A boss is a person who is in (27:43) authority, a person who is a leader, a person who is there to lead their team and to help the people (27:51) that they want to help their clients move their cases forward, to help their employees, help their (27:56) clients move their cases forward, to create a cohesiveness within the firm, within their business (28:04) that allows them to get things done and creates a culture that they want to create one where (28:09) they're not necessarily staying all night long. Like a big law firm might have people do where (28:15) you have the absolute power to leave early if you want to, where you get to set the rules for (28:22) yourself

But there is so much fear around what other people will think about how you use that (28:32) power that you shrink from it. And I'm really curious, do you have power that you shrink from? (28:40) Because that would be an indication that you're not reclaiming personal power in that moment, (28:47) but you're actually pushing it away. And when you are connected with yourself and you are aligned (28:53) with yourself, you're not pushing power away.

You are confident in it. When you know that you are (29:00) acting from good intentions, when you know you are acting from compassion, when you know you (29:05) are acting from heart, you are in your center. You are someone who has personal power.

(29:13) I have a client who is such a kind-hearted attorney who loves his employees, absolutely (29:22) adores his job, just loves his family. Like he's just so kind-hearted and has this part of him (29:32) that doesn't want to leave the office early because there's a little bit of him that's (29:36) afraid that his employees are going to suddenly not work. But when we coached on it, it was very (29:43) clear he fully trusts his employees to continue working.

And actually he wouldn't even mind if (29:47) they left a little early, if they got all their work done. And that actually seems to be the (29:52) pattern that's been going on for a while. So that fits the culture of the firm.

But until he could (29:57) really claim that he was a good employee, that he was a good employee, that he was a good employee,