#311: Demanding v. Expanding Energy

Demanding vs. Expanding Energy

Hello! I hope your week is going well.

Before I just into today’s episode, I have a question for you. Have you been listening long? Even if you haven’t, if you’re enjoying Be a Better Lawyer, I have a favor to ask. Could you rate and review this podcast in Apple Podcasts? And if you’re watching on YouTube, please like and subscribe to my channel.

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Alright, let’s dive into this episode.

I was thinking on this concept of demanding energy and how it really prevents us from creating a life and law practice that feels good to us. It prevents us from being more productive and efficient. It prevents us from problem-solving at our higher levels and really being the person we truly want to be. It prevents us from expanding ourselves into a larger vision for ourselves and our lives. It really keeps us small.

And the biggest difference I’ve seen in the shifts for myself both when I was a lawyer and as I’ve grown my coaching practice is getting out of demanding energy. This is the same shift I see in my clients. The lawyers I work with begin shifting out of demanding energy and move themselves more and more into a difference energy, and I’m calling it expanding energy. It’s expanding energy because it allows us to make changes that we simply can’t when we’re in demanding energy. It stretches us and challenges us, but it doesn’t hold us back.

So in this episode, I’m sharing:

• how to know you’re in demanding energy
• What expansive energy looks like when we apply it to our lives and practices
• How to begin moving out of demanding energy and into expansive energy
• And I’ll give you some questions to think about. This is something I do with my clients. I don’t give traditional homework assignments where you need to sit down and do homework. I simply offer something to notice or to think about and that’s what I want to do here for you to help you move from demanding energy to expansion energy in your life and practice. You don’t need to spend a lot of time studying to change, it takes gaining awareness, and that’s what I want to give you with these questions.

How you know you’re in demanding energy:

As I go through this, I want to offer that you pay attention to where else demanding energy is showing up in your life because the way we do one thing often shows up in many if not all areas of our life.

• not just directing yourself but haranguing yourself into compliance
  • You’re being lazy.
  • You should be working harder.

• creating an environment in your life where we’re demanding high performance from ourselves without caring about the human that we are.
  • Waiting until the last minute to work on a project. In fact, you may find yourself in the habit of doing this over and over and may even think you can’t get work done unless you wait until the last minute.
  • Bringing work home and then just staring at it feeling guilty. I did this with my work and it felt horrible.
  • Removing the gym to work more or not taking bathroom breaks and water, so you can get through projects.
  • Not using tools like a calendar for everything instead of just for hearings and maybe a scribble of a note of a deadline.

• giving to others before giving to yourself
  • Saying yes to an event or a board position before asking yourself what you really want or whether it makes sense for you to say yes.
  • Saying yes to projects before checking your calendar to see whether it’s a good idea to say yes or whether you need to communicate your time limitations.

• you feel hectic in your life
  • Everything feels like an emergency
  • Everyone feels like they’re wasting your time
  • Everyone seems to be going slower than you need them to go
  • You may find yourself snapping at people or being in frustration, annoyance and anger a lot of the time
  • Not only are you demanding of yourself, but you’re demanding of others.

As I went through that list, did you notice where demanding energy may be showing up in other areas of your life?

• maybe you wait until the last minute to get to the office or get to hearings and you find yourself speeding or running to make it on time. Waiting until the last minute creates an environment where you’re pushing yourself to get places just in the knick of time and creating that feeling of hectic or frantic energy.
• Maybe you notice that every event at your child’s school feels like an emergency to prepare for and you need to rush around.

When you’re demanding energy your range of emotions are:

• Dread
• Overwhelm
• Shame
• Guilt
• Anger
• Frustration
• Annoyance
• Tense
• Anxious
• Paralyzed at times to do anything
• Worry

It’s just interesting to notice how demanding energy may be showing up in your life. It’s important not to judge yourself when you see it because that’s keeping you in demanding energy.

I remember this place well. I was there for a long time.

I felt like I was in a constant loop and no matter how hard I tried to demand more of myself or force myself to comply with what I told myself I needed to do, I couldn’t get out of that loop.

And when I was in it, I felt like I was falling farther and farther behind. I wasn’t productive or efficient. My work product wasn’t where I wanted it to be, I’d try to make myself feel better by using outside vices like alcohol or food or spend money to buy things I didn’t need. I couldn’t focus the way I wanted to.

I’d tell myself there must be something wrong with me.

As I came to find out through the work I did on myself through coaching, there wasn’t anything wrong with me.

I just wasn’t approaching my situation with the perspective I needed.

I needed that outside perspective to show me what I was doing and how I was creating it myself. It wasn’t the work. It was me. It wasn’t being a lawyer. It was me and my approach of being demanding.

Does this resonate with you?

If it does, where do you think you’ll be 6 months from now, a year from now if you continue to allow yourself to keep these patterns?

Do you want to keep that future? Or do you want to change it?

I’m going to give you some of my thoughts on generating expansive energy then give you a few questions to asl yourself.

As I thought about this concept of Demanding vs. Expanding energies, I started with thinking about what the opposite of demanding is. The opposite of demanding is unchallenging. That’s definitely not what we’re talking about here. We need to challenge ourselves to grow.

We’re also not talking about making requests of ourselves. That seems to equivocal to me. We need to take action to grow, and we need to direct our focus to create the life and practice we want. It doesn’t just happen. We make it happen.

Then the question becomes, if you’re used to using Demanding Energy to get things accomplished, what does life look like when you’re accomplishing things with Expansive Energy?

You may have a tough time even imagining this. I know I did.

I couldn’t imagine there was another way until I found it.

That’s how it goes, right? Everything seems impossible until we see it working first hand.

Working from expansive energy:

• prevents us from resenting work
• From resenting the time we put in at the office
• From procrastinating
• It calms our nervous system, so we’re not running around frazzled
• When our nervous system is calm, we can problem solve better
• When we problem solve better, we’re more effective and efficient at our work
• We’re less reactive and more communicative
• When an employee is having difficulties we’re better able to have a productive two-way conversation to solve the problem or make decisions about whether that’s the employee we want in our business
• We’re more organized
• We’re better able to handle emergencies 1) because we have less of them since we’re more organized but 2) they become less of a problem because you aren’t in a hectic state of mind. You’re in a problem-solving state of mind.

Here’s something to understand before we talk about how to shift into Expansive Energy:

When we require big things of ourselves, it’s essential that we give big things to ourselves.

There’s a reciprocity that takes place.

Think about your cell phone. The more you use it, the faster the battery dies, then you need to plug it in to recharge.

We’re no different. The more we ask of ourselves, the faster our battery dies, then we need to recharge ourselves.

Most people think that they need a vacation and that will solve the problem. You know this isn’t true if you’ve ever come back from vacation and felt behind immediately.

Maybe you even avoid vacation because you don’t want to feel like you’re behind at the office.

Vacation doesn’t solve the bigger problem of how you’re managing your energy.

When we give ourselves things like rest and relaxation and exercise, our battery has time to recharge.

Working from Expansive Energy looks like…managing yourself instead of letting your practice manage you. That means you deciding what you want, observing your decisions, and learning how to make decisions that serve you and your goals.

Remember when I said that we don’t just make requests of ourselves — We make things happen?

We make things happen by learning how to tell ourselves what to do WHILE honoring the balance of energy. We need to give to ourselves and not just demand of ourselves.

That looks like telling myself what to do, but I do it in a way that creates expansion and is NOT in demanding energy. I already know what demanding energy leads to, and that’s not how I want to live my life anymore.

I use my calendar for this. And you may be saying, “But calendars don’t work for me.” I want to offer that you’re simply in demanding energy, and demanding energy and creating a workflow don’t go together. Cracking a whip on ourselves to demand we work and following through because we want or are encouraging ourselves to don’t go together.

You may be very familiar with demanding energy and in the habit of using it, but that doesn’t mean it will work long term.

You probably already know why it doesn’t last long term:

• you feel exhausted
• When you feel exhausted, you don’t want to work
• You’re miserable to be around
• You may not even like being around yourself at times
• You resent your work
• You daydream about being anywhere but here on a frequent basis
• Every little file added onto your desk feels like a heavy burden

I’m saying this with so much love because I was that person. I’ve been where you are.

So how do we take ourselves from demanding energy and into expanding energy?

First, you have to decide that enough is enough. As humans, we tend to wait until we’re in so much pain that we decide things have to change. But you don’t have to wait until then. You can decide right now that you’re done with this. That there’s a better way and you’re committed to finding it and making it happen.

Second, you need to ask yourself what you truly want. Do you want more time to yourself? Do you want to feel calmer? Do you want to send more time with your family? Do you want to join a book club or play an instrument or do something besides work? Do you want more walks? To  go out with friends?

You may love work, and that’s fine. I love work too. But if you’re doing it at the expense of the human, it’s time to pay attention and make decisions about what you want outside of work.

Third, we need to prioritize our well-being. That means a few different things, so I’ll take them one at a time.

One is putting yourself first on the calendar.

This is pretty tough news to take at first — especially with the women I work with — because they’re so used to giving their time away. They’re generous with their time for everyone else except themselves.

This is a practice. If you’re in the habit of putting your needs last, just notice this. Then put yourself on the calendar first. Put on the gym, the breath work time, the journaling time, the time alone with your coffee, the walk. Put it on the calendar then honor that time just like you’d honor an appointment with someone else. So many of us are great at honoring appointments for other people but not ourselves. This has got to change, so you can get into Expansion Energy.

Another essential way of prioritizing your well-being means saying “no” to new commitments even when it’s uncomfortable.

I have a client who’s a new associate at his firm, and his calendar is absolutely filled. He’s found it so empowering to allow himself to do the uncomfortable thing and say, “I’m sorry, but I’ve already been tasked with X,Y, Z due by this date, and I can’t do your project right now. This comes from expansive energy because it’s challenging to say no — especially when you’re used to being a people-pleaser — but when you take a 10,000 foot view of your practice, you know you’re doing the right thing by saying ”no.” You have a better work product, you’re able to get assignments in on time, you’re able to take care of yourself, so you don’t burn out and want to leave the job. Moving into expansion energy is ultimately better for everyone involved.

I have another client who’s giving herself two 25 minute blocks during the day just to go outside or to do nothing, and she’s finding that recharges her, so she can make it through her workday and feel more energized when she gets home to be with her husband.

Another essential way of prioritizing your well-being is how you treat yourself.

When we’re in Demanding Energy, we’re mean to ourselves. We tell ourselves we’re lazy and incompetent and should be better. When we’re in Expansive Energy we recognize our accomplishments, we feel proud of ourselves, we don’t diminish ourselves or cheat ourselves by saying, “I shouldn’t have worked so long on that project” and discounting our rates when we did the work. You plan your work, so you’re making conscious decisions about when you’ll work and not just bringing work home telling yourself that you “should” work then making yourself feel guilty when you don’t.

Prioritizing our well-being doesn’t have to take a long time. It takes recognizing when you’re in demanding energy and shifting into expansive energy a little bit at a time. Each time you notice you’re in Demanding Energy to ask yourself what Expanding Energy might look like and trying that.

This is a lifetime’s work. This isn’t a snap your fingers and it’s done kind of thing. It takes consistency and persistence.

Now I want to ask you some questions.

What impact on your life do you think shifting into Expanding Energy will have on your life?

On your practice?

On the people around you? Your clients? Your assistant? Your romantic partner?

You think you may be a nicer person to be around? That maybe they want to spend more time with you and you with them?

Do you think you’d actually feel more energized to take on work?

Do you think you’d feel calmer? More energized? Happier?

Really sit with that.

What is it costing you NOT to be in expanding energy?

Where are you 6 months from now?

A year from now?

Two years from now?

Where do you think you are?

Is that where you want to be?

If not, why not?

These are all questions I asked myself when I was I decided to shift into expanding energy.

It really is a decision we make over and over again each day. Each moment.

If you really resonated with this episode, I highly recommend listening to it again to let it steep in your awareness, so you can catch yourself each time you’re in Demanding Energy and begin shifting into Expansive Energy.

And if you want help making the shifts to Expanding Energy that I talked about in this episode, book a Strategy Session with me. The work we do together will accelerate your progress. I’ll be there cheering you on and at the same time offering you ways to challenge yourself to expand further than you thought possible in a way that feels good and not Demanding.

We already demand so much or ourselves, the last thing we need is someone wagging their finger at us because we didn’t do something we said we’d do. We do that all on our own. I don’t do that. I’m there to help you find the strength within yourself to return to Expansive Energy again and again.

You can book a Strategy Session with me at dinacataldo.com/strategysession

You can also find the link in the show notes for this episode.

Thank you for listening, and I hope you have a wonder rest of your week.

Remember, what you want matters. And it’s within your power to make it happen.