Hello there, my friend, how are you today?

Before we dig into today's episode, I want to share a celebration with you.

This is my first official week as a full-time coach for lawyers! I had my last day as a practicing attorney Monday, and it was so strange, and it was also amazing.

Af ew years ago, I could not have imagined that I would find something besides the law that I wanted to do full-time or even believe that I could leave the law. My brain had completely shut down those avenues. The only reason I could start to uncover what I truly enjoyed doing that felt like the contribution I needed to make was because of coaching. The only reason I could have the confidence to leave my 15 year career as a criminal prosecutor is because of coaching. My coaches helped me rewire my brain to help me see possibility and take responsibility for the results I was getting in my life, and for that I will always be grateful.

I have been where you are. Maybe you feel overwhelmed with what's on your plate and can't imagine thinking about a law practice you love or maybe you're at the point where you want to transition careers, but you don't know where to start. I can help you. Book a call with me at dinacataldo.com/strategysession

My only regret is that I didn't start coaching sooner. I hear that from my clients too. They always tell me they wish they knew about coaching when they were younger or they wish they'd just signed up as soon as they started listening to the podcast. Don't let that be you. This time next year, you can be a totally different person living exactly the life you want to live. Book a call with me, and let's get started.

Alright, let's talk about the co-dependent lawyer.

I see a lot of kind and well-meaning lawyers fall into this camp, so I wanted to do an episode that did a few things.

1. Awareness to the problems that come with co-dependence. So I'm going to walk you through how to know if you might be behaving in a co-dependent way in your practice.
2. An exit strategy, so you can start living better now.

Please share this episode with your friends. This episode could completely change how they look at their life and how they're showing up. And it literally can change their life because of the mental and physical health problems that come with living life this way.

During my years as a prosecutor I saw both defense attorneys and prosecutors who were co-dependent. I was co-dependent too, and I managed to change. I saw it run through my whole life. When I changed how I thought, I changed how I felt and behaved in the world. So if you see a lot of yourself in this episode, know that there's nothing wrong with you. It's just a habit that your brain has become accustomed to, and you can change.

My hope is that this episode not just brings awareness but inspires any lawyer who tends towards co-dependency to change because it will not only make them better attorneys but it will help them lead a more fulfilled life in every area of their life.

Because the way we do one thing is the way we do everything.

First of all what is co-dependency?

It's the way we relate to the world. It's a habit of thinking that we've embraced because at one point in our life, it helped us.

There are a lot of different ways this relationship to the world is formed.

For me, I adopted this way of relating to the world because when I was a kid, I needed it to survive. My dad had a temper, and I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him to feel safe and try to avoid him being angry. I couldn't have an emotional connection with him. My emotions and needs were something that could send him off into yelling, so I shut down. In lieu of creating the emotional connection, I did other things to gain approval like doing really well in school, working really hard because that was something I was praised for, and basically just doing everything I could to make him happy. This is how I created safety for myself as a child, and this habit of thinking and numbing out my feelings, so I could do all the things to create a superficial sense of connection came with me into adulthood. I didn't know a different way of being.

This definition really resonated with me. It comes from an article by Don Carroll.

“Codependency might more accurately be called external dependence. …[W]e look outside ourselves to people, places and things, – to money, property and prestige to determine if we have worth. Because all such external conditions can change[,] they are inherently insecure so they build into the codependent person a sense of being a victim. Lawyers will not allow themselves to feel like victims, because we are the ones who are suppose[d] to help victims of injustice. Instead we feel depressed and frustrated; we feel like neither our spouses, partners, nor our clients understand what we do and how hard we work.”

Here's my simple way of defining it:

This way of relating to the world gives you a sense of importance that you don't otherwise have.

Codependency comes from not knowing how to fill yourself up emotionally and then give from a full cup.

How might this be showing up in your law practice? There are a lot of ways, but here are a few:

– taking on more clients than you can handle and still stay sane
– not saying no to people who ask you to be on boards – lawyers always seem to be asked to be on a board or council
– discounting your services
– taking on pro bono clients even though you're not paying your bills
– complaining that your calendar is too full, and believing that that is just the way it is
– you find yourself continually compromising what you want in favor of what someone else wants or doubting that what you want is the right thing to do for you

This may be tough medicine to take if you're hearing some of your patterns.

The good news is, this is not permanent if you start the work on yourself.

When I started getting coached, this codependent way of relating to the world started to dissolve because I started asking myself what I wanted and allowed myself to want it. I started filling my own cup.

I saw what my behaviors were costing me.

If you feel stuck in this relational style, take a look at what it's costing you not to change.

I'm going to run through these, then I'm going ot show you the bigger picture.

1. Your physical health. There's one lawyer I talked to recently who's been considering “slowing down” or “leaving the law” for years, and he's saying now that he's going to leave the law for health issues. Not addressing this relational style is literally causing him health issues. That's what happened to me 12 years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My body was trying to slow me down to take a look at what was happening in my life. When we create stress in our bodies for extended period of time, the chemical adrenaline that is meant to dissipate starts to accumulate in your body. Something that's meant to help in brief times of fear becomes a poison. In our society we've artificially elevated our adrenaline levels and maintain those levels when we don't address this codependent way of relating to the world.
2. Your mental health. When I work with clients, this is a big one. It's really costing you your future. When we feel stress in our bodies, we are in a mode that impacts everything we do. We don't make the decisions from a clear place. When we don't make decisions from a clear place, we can't see the long-term impacts of decisions. We also don't see how our reaction in a moment will influence our relationships with people around us. We don't have the ability to focus. We get tired more easily. Then we can't help clients the way we want to. When we don't help people the way we want to, we beat ourselves up. The list goes on. But imagine this pattern going on and on, and you can see why lawyers burn out and become depressed.
3. The way your children relate to the world. Speaking of changing the future., right? What might your children be learning from you? The same patterns? What might you be teaching them about how much you value them? I saw a Tweet by Serena Williams who asked something like, “Have you ever been talking to someone and they just start scrolling on their phone?” What might it teach the people around you about how much you value them when you're constantly working? You have the ability to break the cycle.
4. Money. When I work with clients to help them dissolve these codependent patterns of thinking, their income goes up. It's not a coincidence. They start saying no to what they don't want to do, and they start filling their own cup. When they fill their own cup, they have the confidence to ask for what they're worth and go after bigger dreams.
5. Legacy. Have you ever asked yourself what your legacy will be? I don't do this nearly enough. I want to leave a legacy where I've left the world a better place after I leave. I want the legal profession to change to create healthier happier lawyers. I want to leave people helping the environment more resources to heal the planet. I want to impact the educational system to teach children the tools they need to thrive instead of tools to become good little robots in our system. What do you want your legacy to be, and can you create that legacy in the way you've been relating to the world?

Your value to this world is not measured in how much you work. You are innately valuable. You are 100% worthy to be on this planet. How do we know? You're here.

So how do you change? What's the exit strategy?

You've already done the first step, which is to get awareness of where codependency may be showing up in your life.

When you see it, you may be tempted to beat yourself up for continuing the patterns. Don't.

The patterns you're following don't mean anything is wrong with you. These patterns were created in your brain to help you. Now the question becomes, do you want to keep them.

You may find you start releasing some of these patterns just by the awareness you start building.

The next step is asking yourself what you want.

Right now, you may feel like your life is out of your control. That's normal if you relate to the world in this codependent way. We make ourselves the victim instead of the person who takes responsibility for the results we're getting in our lives.

Allow yourself to ask for what you want even if you don't believe you're going to get it right now. Just ask yourself and let your brain go there.

When you do that, you start to see possibilities and can create a path to get it. That's what I did.

Next, take responsibility for all your results. Even if they seem 100% out of your control.

How might you take responsibility?

I've given this example before: If your electricity goes out, a burned out transformer isn't your fault. You didn't do anything to take responsibility for there. But what about the result you have of not being able to have electricity to run your practice? You can take responsibility of the result you want to have — connecting with your clients and computer — by having a mini-generator on hand.

When you take radical responsibility for your results without judging yourself, you start to change how you show up in the world. You begin to feel more powerful because you are thinking more powerfully.

Finally, ask for help.

You don't have to take everything on yourself. These patterns have spent a lifetime in your subconscious. It's going to take more than a podcast episode to unwind these behaviors. It took me years. And sometimes it felt like I was taking one step forward and two steps backwards. Let that be okay. Be patient with yourself and have compassion for yourself. Trust that when you keep unwinding the threads little by little that you will make progress.

If you see some of yourself in this episode, I can help you. When you address these behaviors that have been embedded in your brain over the years, you will change your life. I'm 100% a living example of that. I went from being overwhelmed in my law practice, believing I had no control of my life, and staying in bad relationships to dissolving these behaviors over time and creating new ones that felt more fulfilling and more powerful.

It's so important that we do this work, and that we start as soon as possible, so we can create the legacies that we want to build with our life.

Book a call with me at dinacataldo.com/strategysession and we'll get started right away.

Alright, my friend, I hope you have a wonderful day.

Thank you for listening, and I will talk to you again next week.

Bye