Transcript: Releasing Perfectionism with Dina Cataldo

Hello, how are you today? Today I want to talk to you about releasing perfectionism. I mean, if I didn't release perfectionism, this podcast would not exist. I would not be a coach right now. I would not be leaving my legal profession that I've been in for 15 years. None of the things that I have in my life that I am loving are things I would have if I didn't release perfectionism.

And in the last couple episodes, I've talked about allowing possibility and what it really means to be a better lawyer. And part of being a better lawyer is releasing perfectionism. Now, what we think perfectionism means is that it's perfected. There's no need for improvement. So how do you know when you're in perfectionism? Because let's face it. We think that we're expected to be perfect. We think that we are supposed to have everything together. I mean, everyone around us tells us that. And of course we don't want our clients to think that we're not paying attention to them, but really no one expects perfectionism. Now, if we're talking about a client who has a contract that needs to be reviewed because we want to make sure all the clauses are there. Great, okay, you're doing your job. It doesn't mean that everything in your life needs to be perfect.

And if you are in perfectionism, I am going to tell you so much today, like really, really listen to this. Like if you, and if, even if you think you're not in perfectionism and you are striving, you are pushing hard and you don't get the results that you want. You don't have them yet. I want to offer to you that you are in perfectionism. And I w I'm going to give you some ways that you will know that you're in perfectionism. Now, if you are in this perfectionism, this is how you know, you're going to wait to create what you want. Right? Our brain will come up with excuses that feel like really smart reasons not to start. It's going to trick us. We get into learning mode, where all we do is accumulate information instead of creating. And you may notice yourself comparing what you're doing to what other are doing, right.

Have you ever done that? Scroll through Instagram and see other lawyers. And you're like, oh man, I wish I were doing that. Right. And you notice that subtle disappointment in you that is getting into perfectionism. And that may be keeping you from doing what you want to do. You may say things to yourself that you've tied to your identity. That feel really true. Like I'm just not the kind of person who starts their own business. Writes a book. You can fill in the blank here with anything that you've had, like this inkling that you wanted to do. And then shut yourself down with saying something like, I'm just not the kind of person who you might also say things to yourself. Well, I like, I don't know how I don't have enough time. I'll do it later. I've never been able to do it before this time.

Won't be any different. And I want to offer to you that what perfectionism really means is that we think no one will be able to criticize us if it's perfect. And then we won't feel disappointment or shame, we only do, or don't do things because of how we think it will feel. So for example, if you think leaving your partner will be painful for you or your partner, you'll stall, and maybe you'll never leave at all. And if you think starting a business is going to be hard, your brain, isn't going to want to do it. Our brains in the business of conserving energy and helping us feel good. So of course the skills that we need to learn, which I'm going to get to at the end of this podcast are things that our brains just not going to want to do automatically. And if you think that you're not going to follow through on a new workout routine, and you're just going to feel disappointed in yourself, you're not going to start.

When we hold onto these ideas about ourselves, we will lose out. And so does the world, because if you overcame perfectionism, which you can, you show up bigger in the world, you get feedback from the work you put out. So the next time that you put it out, it's going to be even better. You'd actually be helping other people right now, instead of thinking about yourself and how you feel and how you will be disappointed. And how do I know all of this? Because I've experienced all of it. I helped my clients through all of it. Anytime we want to put new things out into the world, our brain wants to rebel because it feels hard, but we need to move through those things. All of those obstacles, before we can show up bigger in the world, before we can start helping people. And a big part of that is this holding onto the idea of perfectionism.

There are skills we need to learn to do this. So it can take a really long time. If we don't have someone who calls us out on what our brain is doing every week, or have a self coaching practice that strong. And so many people I see give up on themselves before they have even started. They tell themselves it's not possible that they can't do it. That the person who is doing what they want to do well, they don't need to do it because that person's already doing it. They tell themselves that they really shouldn't start because they don't have the time and they don't have the money. And you know, everything's against them. And, and it is so sad to me when I see this, because when we grow, when we grow, we are able to talk to people. And in fact, we need to be talking to people in order to grow about what we want, what we're creating.

And specifically, like I'm talking about you. If you want to create something in the world and you've been putting it off. If you want to write a book, if you want to start a new arm of your practice, if you want to leave your legal profession, but your brain is telling you, I don't know how it's just not possible. I don't have the money. This isn't right for me. If your brain is telling you all of that, I want you to question it. So it might feel like it may feel really difficult for you. Okay? I'm not going to lie. It felt really difficult for me. I found myself when I realized I wanted to create a business and I wanted to move away from the legal practice. I found myself on the couch, procrastinating. I was accumulating a lot of information. Like I would listen to all the podcasts.

I joined all of the online groups, all the marketing, read all the books and I just kept accumulating and accumulating. And I had a really tough time moving forward because I didn't have skills. Like I'm going to talk to you about like, I D I wasn't able to, to process emotion. I didn't know what that was. I wasn't connected to how I felt. And if you right now, you know, you're hearing these words and they sound really foreign to you. Like, what does it mean? Like, what does it, what do I feel in my body? I mean, what, what does that mean? Well, this is the work you've got to learn, and this is what I had to do. It took me a long time. I was very disconnected with myself and with how I, how I felt. And so every time I tried to do something new, I tried to put my work out into the world. It felt like I was pushing a block of ice with my bare hands. Like I was just trying to push this giant wall of ice. And I was getting nowhere and it felt horrible, but you can move through that. And that's why I love coaching. Like that is what I help my clients with. And if you have a strong self coaching practice, like I've talked about in other episodes, you can move through this too.

So I want to

Really make this tangible for you, because so often we think of these quote unquote reasons that we can't do something, you know, as part of like a really true, we think that they are really, really true. And when we do that, we've tied these thoughts to our identity. And when we tie things to our identity, like thoughts, like I don't have enough time, or I don't have enough money, or I can't do this, or whatever the thought is, it's like lassoing a wild horse and letting that horse just drag you in any direction that it would, once it's, it's letting an outside force pull it what's around. Instead of us taking the reins, taking responsibility for what we want and directing that horse where we want it to go. If you are doing this in your life, you're probably doing it in multiple areas of your life.

It's not just in this one area where you're desiring something. You're likely allowing a wild horse to just pull you around instead of reigning in your thoughts. So I told you there were some skills that we need to learn in order to get through what I'm talking about here to release perfectly. So, number one, really, it's learning how to process difficult feelings like shame, fear, and discomfort. Those are the real big ones that come with producing anything new in our life from changing anything in our life, because our brain does not want us to do anything new it's in the business of keeping us comfortable. So that's why we need to reign it in. We can't just push through these feelings. And I mean, even I work on this right now, I'll notice as I'm working on my business, that I will disconnect from feelings that I don't want, and I need to connect with them.

So I know what they feel because the emotions that we have, the feelings that we have in our body are directly connected to the quality of the work that we are doing and that we were putting out into the world. So if we feel super crappy all the time, and we're not aware of it, we're not going to produce the kind of work that is going to have the impact that we want. So it's important that we learn to process the feelings, to feel those feelings like shame, fear, and discomfort, and know that they are not going to hurt us. That they're okay. That they come with having what we want and having what we want is I can't even describe it. I can't even describe how I feel. It's okay. Yes, I can. It's late. And I, I feel wonderful. It doesn't mean I don't have emotions, like fear, discomfort, shame, or any of those, but it means I have them far less that they are not occupying my brain, that I can see them for what they are observed them and let them go and not make my feelings mean anything about me or the work I'm putting out into the world.

That is a big, so that's number one. Another skill that we need to learn is how to stop beating ourselves up. When I learned this, oh my gosh, the difference that it made, right? Because we can linger in those feelings of shame and we can even tell ourselves, oh, I shouldn't be feeling shame. I shouldn't be feeling fear or discomfort. No, when we don't just allow and notice what we're feeling. And instead we pile on with thoughts. Like, I shouldn't be, I shouldn't be feeling this. I shouldn't be doing this. I should be doing better. Beating the crap out of ourselves. We will not move forward. Right. It's like beating the crap out of the horse, thinking that it's going to go faster. Right. And you may have experienced that before, because it may have worked for you, right. Maybe it was in law school.

I know I did that by beat the crap out of myself, I'll work harder. They beat the crap out of myself. I'll stay later and I'll get this done. I I've gotten so much more done when I released all of that. Like, I can't even imagine how much easier law school would have been. If I knew these skills and knew how to stop beating myself up, I didn't even know I was doing it. And if you're feeling pressure, if you're feeling this anxiety or overwhelm any of these negative emotions and you find yourself in the Malott, you're probably beating the crap out of yourself and you may not even know it. So that is a skill that is necessary to move forward and to create what you want a lot easier. Now, maybe you create what you want, right? You create the business you want, then you write the book that you want, and then you it's a success, right?

And so it don't fool yourself into thinking that it's a success because you beat yourself up as a success. Despite the fact that you beat the crap out of yourself, it can be so much easier. And the reason I know this is because I experience it and my clients experience it. Like this is so important. So I'm really stressing it. Stop beating the crap out of yourself, stop shooting yourself to death. It can be easier. Okay. The third skill that I'm going to mention here is learning when we are making excuses versus really, truly liking our reasons for deciding not to move forward. This is a tough one because the fear makes all these excuses feel true to us. But when we're in fear, it's not true. That's why I always say, if you feel fear, move in that direction, move into the fear, do the things that feel scary.

I don't know who it is who says it, but it's, I think it might be Brooke Castillo. It's feel the fear and do it anyway. Right? Like if you are scared, you've got to go in that direction because you're just going to regret, never moving towards what you want. A little part of you is going to die because you're settling, like, really think about this. And usually we can't notice it ourselves. Someone else has to show it for us. I was, I was on Instagram and DM-ing with somebody. I had mentioned their business and it's cultivation salon. I just, I love them. I've been going them for, to them for a couple of years, specifically a stylist there that I've been seeing for years. And I got to say, like, she obviously like, felt the fear and she did it anyway. She built this business and, and she didn't see what I saw in that business.

She didn't recognize or acknowledge all the growth that she had done over the years. And she DMD me and she was saying, it felt so good hearing you describe what you saw because I, based on what she said to me, I don't know that she's really celebrated all the progress that that salon has made, like through COVID and through all of the difficulties that she had being a new business. I know she had some other things going on and it's like, wow, what it, what it is now. Right. She had to take those small steps, moving into the fear to create what she wanted. And we don't see it. If we're not really paying attention, like all the growth that we can make, she didn't make those excuses for herself. Right. She wanted to move forward. And I know in my personal experience, when I don't move forward, I can feel like a little piece of me is going to die.

And that's when I know, okay, I need to move forward. That's how I knew it was time to leave my, my legal profession as like I knew if I stayed any longer, that it was not going to be right for me, no matter what. Okay. So let me give you, have you a couple of examples of how I've seen this show up in my clients. So one of my clients, she's amazing. They're all amazing, but I'm just thinking of her in particular, she is creating a new arm of her legal practice because she loves mediation and really what it is, is it like she lights up when she talks about talking to people, she loves connecting with people. She is just really open-hearted person who wants to talk and to create connection. And she just, she loves connecting. She loves people. She's really big people person.

And so this mediation practice is completely in alignment with who she already is. She wasn't putting, creating this mediation practice on her calendar though. Like, it was just on the back burner because she was saying all those things to herself. Like, I don't have enough time. Like this isn't the right time. Maybe later all of those things. And then when she did put it on her calendar, she'd keep putting it off because those same voices were coming in. Oh, this is more important. I should really do this other thing now. And she wasn't recognizing before she, you know, we talked, she wasn't recognizing that. All it was is that her brain was telling her, like, not now later. And when we do that, we know we're in some sort of fear and some of the communication, like some of the talks that we've had have been about, like the comparison, her comparison to other people, who've been doing it for years, what their practices look like.

And it just, her current practice just couldn't match up to what they were doing. And of course, we don't need to match up to anyone else because we do everything uniquely. I mean, every single one of us is unique and we have a different way of voicing something of communicating to people, of connecting with people. Have you ever walked into a room and you just instantly connected with someone like you were like, wow. Like, I feel like I know this person forever. And if they sold you something like mediation, you'd be like, yes, I am totally in on that. I love that person. She's got good energy, whatever it is that you say to yourself, like, I just liked them. I can't even explain it. I just like them. Imagine withholding the gift that you have from the people out there who need it.

The people who aren't able to find that person, who they can connect with and are just settling with, you know, whatever they can find, because they need you. They need you to go out there and to create what you want to create. There's something really amazing about putting out our work and the people we can connect with. Like when we do that, we are allowing so much possibility, right? Like I talked about in a couple episodes ago, I really find yourself what, what you enjoy doing and start taking those little steps. It doesn't have to be a huge step. That's how I started everything. I took a little tiny baby step. I got like a business license. This was before I even had a coaching practice years ago when I knew I wanted to start a business, I just didn't know what I wanted to do.

I didn't know what I liked. I'd been in the legal practice so long. I had no clue what I might enjoy. I was working all the time. I, I just had no idea. So I thought, well, starting a business scares me, so I need to do that. Right. Go through the fear. And then I just decided, okay, well, I'm just going to decide to start a business and any business that I can do while practicing law. So I had an online tea business, right. And I, you know, was in this procrastination mode. I noticed I was learning everything I could about tea. And then I just started taking the little actions like, okay, I'll get my business license. Okay. The next step is fill in the blank. The next step is fill in the blank. And I just took one little step at a time.

And when we do that, it's a domino effect. We begin to make movement towards what we want. And if I hadn't made that little step in, in a business, I'm not even doing right now, I would not have created what I've created today. You would not be listening to this podcast. I would not have put any of this out into the world. That is the magic of coaching. That is the magic of knowing our brain and continuing to trust ourselves, to just keep making those steps. Now you can choose not to do this. You can choose to stay where you are. I mean, there's nothing wrong with that, but like your reasons and make sure they're not excuses. Make sure you're not making excuses. Like, you know, go back to the beginning of this podcast, listen to it again. Are you making any of those excuses and calling them reasons?

Because if you are, you might find yourself regretting not making a movement forward, even when you were scared. Okay, my friend, I know that this, this I hope was inspiring to you. This, this episode is meant to inspire you. Everything I do is meant to inspire the people who hear this podcast, who I'm around. And I just want to be an example of what's possible for you and for anyone else who's listening. So if you want help moving forward on your dream, making a decision on what the next step is, coaching can help with that. And if you want to learn more about working with me and what that would be like, schedule a call with me, go to Dina, cataldo.com, go to the work with me button and schedule a time that works for you because your dreams are too important. Let go hold onto your dreams, hold onto what you want and find a way to take the step forward that you need to make. All right, my friend have a great week.